It is finally time for the long awaited block party. The one day of the year you can ride your bike in the street, according to my parents. The one day you play block long basketball. So its noon on the first block party i have ever been at on my new block. I'm thinking woohoo i get to stay out and play some games, go in the jumping jack and do anything i really want. So the day started out like any normal block party would, me on the jumping jack. I loved the jumping jack, the endless back flips and the "fights". After getting out of the jumping jack, i went to go eat at my house with some of my friends. After we ate, we went back outside and had races on our bikes for the rest of the night.
Soon it is nightfall and we begin going inside because you can not see the holes in the street at night. As we start going into my friends house to play some games, we realize that we can still play outside without bikes! so we head back upstairs and go outside to see a crowd of people at the end of the block. Being our curious selves we go to investigate.
We got to the end of the block and see to men, one of the my friend's dad the other someone i did not know, hitting each other with foldable chairs. so as they are fighting it out with their wooden chairs some parents see us and decide that this was to violent and we had to go back in. We put up a valiant fight but we had to go in.
Your story doesn't seem to have enough backround information. Your neighborhood wasn't introduced at all. The people, the place, enviroment etc. The reader is just given a party where you did things but then you see a fight.
ReplyDelete-revise this sentence "So its noon on the first block party i have ever been at on my new block. "
ReplyDelete-use proper grammar "I'm thinking woohoo i get to stay out and play some games, go in the jumping jack and do anything i really want."
there are words to describe this "woohoo" feeling
-what is the "jumping jack"?
-use a more creative title
-explain "because you can not see the holes in the street at night." try to avoid "you"
-"see to men" spelled incorrectly
-your last paragraph is very informal
-explain what happen in the end...conclusion?
-write more and be more descriptive about the community and the block party
-explain the characters inside your story
-where did this take place? setting
-time. description
-you ended quickly and started the story abruptly
-lastly, write more more more more more
i think a little more description of the events, characters, and setting would do the story some good. It seems fun, and relateable though!
ReplyDeleteDouble check to make sure you use proper grammer.
ReplyDeleteIn the last paragraph when the adults are fighting explaing or describe what is happening. To the reader it just seems like random guys fighting with people watching. Describe the setting and characters a little more. Make the story just a little longer and formal. It interested me though, which was good.
Use proper grammar and correct spelling first of all. You really need to introduce your neighborhood or the type of people that live in it. What about your friends? This story seems a little random to me because it's just about you doing this and that. Put some more effort into writing your story.
ReplyDelete